


Like a winter coat

by Dopt



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Light Angst, Rebelcaptain Secret Santa, Toddlers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-02-18 13:20:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21961231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dopt/pseuds/Dopt
Summary: It is strange how easily she’s adapted to the cantina life, to the calm of being settled with only him, their child and a sassy security droid and a bit of smuggling and slicing to the side. Maybe she’s always wanted a life like this and he hasn’t known. Maybe she’s just that good at transforming herself to be what she needs to be, given the circumstances.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso
Comments: 26
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TinCanTelephone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/gifts).



__

* * *

_I carry pride like a disease, you know I'm stubborn_

_and I'm longing to be close!_

_I fell desperate without vision,_

_you wrap around me like a winter coat._

_You've come and burned me with a kiss_

_and my heart for you! Every single breath you search_

_much deeper within me through the way things appear!_

_You looking up to my heart._

Mary Wismer - Light your fire on us

* * *

Tending the bar in a small cantina on Delphon isn’t exactly how Cassian had imagined spending his time to both gather intel on what the Empire is doing after destroying their last base and protect his daughter from the ever growing threat of said Empire. 

But if he is honest, he has never imagined having a daughter in the first place, not even when he found out Jyn’s pregnancy and giving up on the Rebellion has never been on option, even if the odds seem to never be on their favour these days. So here he is, closing the broom closet after cleaning the place for the night and ready to spend another hour noting everything he heard during his shift.

With a sigh, he tries to list down all the pieces of intel he learnt but nothing makes sense. Why would the Empire buy so much Quadanium when they also have full shipments of TIE coming their way? He has a growing feeling that something is missing, that he can’t see the whole picture and it grates on his nerves like nothing else could but he’s been overly cautious for so long that maybe it is just his tired mind that’s playing tricks on him. He should ask Kay for his input but before that, he should go to sleep, or try to. Spending a few hours lying next to Jyn would help him clear his thoughts even if sleep eluded him.

As if she heard him, Jyn appears by the door, wrapped in a fluffy blanket over her nightgown. She looks so beautifully domestic his heart aches. He shouldn’t be this lucky. But she smiles tiredly at him like she’s happy to see him, to be here, and she walks over to engulf him in the blanket with her as she hugs him from behind.

“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” she mumbles in his hair as her fingers work gently to ease the knots on his shoulders. “I’m pretty sure nobody’s been here for hours.”

“I had to clean up and then I wanted to write down everything I heard before I forget.”

“As if you’ll ever forget anything.”

She’s so confident in his abilities he feels his neck flush but maybe it is the warmth of her hands and the weight of her torso against his back. He’s tired and he knows she’s perfectly aware of it but he asks anyway, “What are you doing here?”

She doesn’t answer for a while, content to massage his back and nuzzle his hair and finally, she says, “I’ve tried a new blend for the winter brew I’ll sell next week, and just remembered about it. It should be more than ready. Want to try some?”

“It’s a bit late for a beer,” he counters with a chuckle and he is rewarded with a pinch on his side.

“Not the beer, silly boy, the blend. I’ll mix it with my brew later, if it’s any good.”

It is strange how easily she’s adapted to the cantina life, to the calm of being settled with only him, their child and a sassy security droid and a bit of smuggling and slicing to the side. Maybe she’s always wanted a life like this, and he hasn’t known. Maybe she’s just that good at transforming herself to be what she needs to be, given the circumstances. At least, she’s way better than he, but it’s not that surprising given her uprising.

Still he’s always surprised at how competent she is with brewing beer, like she’s mixed cereals and herbs her whole life. He takes a sip of her cup, not bothering to get one for himself and of course, she merely smiles at him because she knew he’d do just that, and she is clearly fine with it.

The mix is good, not too sweet and not too bitter, just a good match of sour seeds with some light leafs to ease it. They share the cup in silent, Jyn’s head bobbing slowly with sleep, and Cassian doesn’t take long to get up and guide her downstair to the small basement they converted in a flat under the cantina.

“You’ll stay?” she mumbles on his sleeve when they reach their room and he doesn’t have the heart to go back up. His job is done and maybe her sleepiness will be contagious enough to ease his mind. He follows her to bed and barely had time to drop his pants before she grabs for him with too much force. He stumbles on the mattress and she grins at him, clearly pleased with herself and not so much asleep anymore when she rolls over on him and kisses him. At least, if he doesn’t go to sleep right now, it won’t be because he can’t stop thinking, so he won’t complain about it. He shouldn’t be this happy, not with the threat looming over them, a threat he can clearly identify and that terrorizes him. But with Jyn’s body pressed so close to his, her warm skin under his fingers, he’s glad to be here and knows he can’t ask for more.

* * *

He wakes up groggily, with a low ache behind his skull and a sticky mouth and finds the bed empty. If he doesn’t know better, he’d think he’s been drugged but he didn’t drink anything last night, beside the herbal blend Jyn shared with him. Maybe he is just going down with something. Dolphan’s climate is humid and with winter, it gets cold too. That would explain why he still feels so tired even after, well not a good night of sleep, but judging by the light under the curtain, at least, a good part of the morning. He knows he should get up, shower and prepare for his shift in the cantina but the mattress is soft and the cover just heavy enough to help him feel ground and before he even realizes it, he’s dreaming of snow, of paper lanterns and candles, all soft childhood memories he doesn’t think he still had.

He feels small fingers walking up his arm, light and soft as they climb slowly before sliding down to his palm and going back up again. By the third time, he wraps his hand around the smaller one and he’s rewarded by a burst of laughter bordering on giggles. He releases the hand but doesn’t open his eyes so the game resumes but this time, with ill-concealed very pleased snickers behind every pass.

Cassian doesn’t wait much before he decides to move, and rolling swiftly to his side, he grabs his daughter’s waist and hoists her up on the bed with him. She squeals in delight, pure joy leaking all around her and Cassian’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much by just having this bundle of happiness squirming in his arms.

“It seems you’ve completed your mission, Nesrah, welldone.”

Kay’s monotonous tone is a sharp contrast with his praise words but Nesrah doesn’t seem to mind. Her whole focus is clearly on her father as she tries to grab his face to no avail.

“You can now go back to your mother and eat your lunch.”

The word lunch makes Cassian start and he sits up but not without cuddling his daughter some more. She settles between his legs and squeezes his fingers while Cassian looks around for a chrono.

“It’s nearly midday, Cassian, and if Jyn hasn’t told me you were up so late, I would have been worried. It’s not like you to sleep so much during day time.”

He doesn’t really know how to respond to that, because he would have been worried to, and is probably, somewhere, but at the same time, he needed it.

“I have some intel I want you to process,” he says instead as he gets up, “but before I give it to you, would you be so kind to help Nettle up the stairs?”

For once, Kay doesn’t comment on the nickname of his daughter, and Cassian can’t help but smile when the droid holds his huge hand out and Nesrah grabs it without hesitation before being scoop in the arm of the very tall droid. The little girl squeals again, clearly happy to be higher than her father and with a few parting babbling words, she focuses on the droid who seems as pleased as Cassian ever saw him. It is quite a sight, an Imperial Security droid taking care of a toddler, but from day one, Kay had been adamant to ensure Nesrah well-being and he’s never failed.

Cassian gets ready quickly and goes up to find the cantina still empty, but food is waiting for him on the small table they installed in the back room. Jyn is nowhere in sight, probably working on her brew while Nesrah is suckling on her milk bottle happily.

Kay hovers nearby and Cassian doesn’t waste any more time to give him his report, wanting his input as soon as possible, then he goes to the upper room where the kettles and Jyn are. Just like last night, he’s baffled at how at ease in this new life. She is managing the different part of the brewing process, checking for both the right temperature and the right kind of yeast like she’s done this her whole life and not just for the last six months.

“Did you taste the bread? I made it this morning with some of my first batch. Nettle likes it so I think it’s good, but since I’m always in here, I may not be able to taste sourness or sugar anymore and as long as it’s not boiled roots, she’d chew anything.”

She smiles at him and something in the way she doesn’t really meet his eyes makes him pause. He takes a step in her direction and waits for her to finish her adjustment with the mash tun before asking, “Will the bread also make me sleep?”

She ducks her head as she climbs down the ladder but as soon as she’s facing him, she’s smiling again and pats him on the cheek.

“I’m going to Tokmia tomorrow for a supply run and I know you don’t sleep much when you’re by yourself.”

She’s not going to apologize, and he doesn’t want her to. She’s right, he’ll probably stay awake for as long as she’s off world, and he’s been way too anxious about the Empire’s strange movements to sleep without help. So he wraps an arm around her shoulder and she comes easily and snuggles against him. He takes a deep breath because she smells of fresh bread and grains and he loves having her so close, especially when he knows she’s going to leave soon.

“What are you looking for on Tokmia?” he whispers after kissing her head because he also needs as much intel as he can get and of course, Jyn working with smugglers is a precious source of information he doesn’t want to overlook.

“They’re harvesting crystals and I want to take a look at it,” she mumbles on his shoulder and his stomach falls. She must feel it because she adds with a mischievous glint in the eye, “Plus, I need some winter clothes for Nettle. It’ll be her very first contact with snow and I want her to be able to enjoy it.”

“Snow is hardly enjoyable,” he grumbles and Jyn looks up with raised eyebrows.

“Don’t be a grump, Cassi. Snow here won’t last much, and I heard people talking about a light procession after the first snow that seems really nice. I want Nettle to see it.”

She furrows her brow in thought and adds, “Wasn’t there something like that on your home world? Is this okay with you?”

He remembers his dream and wonders if she has a way to know about it because he doesn’t remember telling her anything about the Gaven Feast. Then she says, “I think I read a story about the huge construction your people made for the winter solstice and I showed a holo to Nettle where woodworkers piled up branches before burning it or something.”

Cassian nods slowly because she mostly has it right about the wood construction, but the burning part wasn’t on purpose and when he tells her so, she pouts nicely. Of course, what she enjoyed the most would be the burning down like the former Partisan she is, but he can’t say it in an Imperial world, even in the intimacy of their home so he just kisses her and when her fingers brush his hair back from his forehead, she looks at him with concern.

“You’re hot,” she tells him suddenly and he wonders for a few seconds whether she’s trying to tease him or not but then she pats his cheeks and searches for his pulse on his neck.

“You wouldn’t have a cold, right?” 

So, she too, noticed he’s more tired than he should. He shakes his head and drops a kiss on her palm.

“I’m fine. Just a bit restless and totally jealous you’re leaving me here alone to spend quality time with a sarcastic droid and a millstone that still craps its pants.”

She chuckles and takes a step back, “And she must have finished her bottle, which means poo will happen soon. So, my love, go ahead, and enjoy quality time with your daughter while you can. Then remember to eat some of my fabulous bread, and maybe some boiled roots, okay? I have a batch of beer to keg and a cantina to run before I can leave you.”

She holds her hand to let him pass before her and he walks first in the backroom to find Nesrah babbling happily to Kay, who clearly isn’t paying much attention. Still, she smiles and coos like the joyous monster she is and when Cassian approaches, he can smell that she indeed was finished with her eating process. He goes to change her before putting her back in her chair while he takes his lunch. Then, as he does every day, he puts on a friendly smile and walks behind the bar to begin his shift with Jyn and try to gather as much as he can on the Empire’s projects.


	2. Chapter 2

The early hours of the afternoon are usually calm but by the time Nesrah wants her naps, the crow is significantly bigger. The first workers have just finished their shift and they come to take a drink or play a round of Dejarik before heading home. It’s the best time of the day for Jyn, when things get interesting but not too busy, she can’t talk to her clients. So, when she takes her daughter down to her small room under the cantina, she doesn’t dawdle around. Kay will inform her if there is any problem downstairs. He usually doesn’t come up until way later, when people get inebriated and need a reminder to behave.

Now that her new batch of beer is kegged, she can serve a few rounds to her most precious regulars, chat a bit here and there, and loosen a tongue or two in the process since the first gallon is always more potent that the later. Plus, she doesn’t want to let Cassian alone any more than needed.

She doesn’t know exactly what he’s found, but she knows enough to understand his stress. He doesn’t like being idle and even if he never complains about this life, it’s not for him. And it wouldn’t be for her either if she didn’t get to work outside the cantina. For the sake of their cover, Cassian has to be the one who runs the place and stay put. She has it easier than him by doing the supply runs, both the real ones and the fake where she can smuggle intel and goods for the Alliance. She doesn’t have to pretend all the time to be what she’s clearly not. 

And as much as she loves their daughter and having time to spend with her, being a mother full-time is not how she would ever see her life and she would lose her mind if all she had to do was cooking, cleaning and tending a child, even with help.

Cassian, for his part, doesn’t have the chance to drop the mask. At most, he trades with a few rebellious locals and helps them find prohibited products as every good bartender would. It helps for building trust with the civilians and some pirates and it can be useful when some semi-important Imperial officer wants to buy deathsticks under the table. But playing the part all day long is stressful and Jyn doesn’t really know how to help other than being here.

They work well together, so well that sometimes she forgets it’s not real, that they aren’t real brewers, that even if their daughter is real, just as their relationship, they’re not Junisha and Pakassi Tunbam. Hell, they’re not even married as Cassian likes to grumble about each time someone in the Alliance had the audacity to call her his wife! But what is a real challenge for Jyn is the constant dupe and she knows even for Cassian, the perpetual lying is exhausting.

That’s why she wants to do something for him, something that eases him mind or at least, that keeps him focused on anything but the Empire. The first snow festival seems like it because even if Cassian doesn’t really enjoy the cold, snow and light are always nice, especially for someone like him who grew up in the long winter of Fest.

Seeing the aide of commandant Karwish, the one in charge of this part of the planet, Jyn smiles pleasantly and pours a small glass of her winter brew.

“New batch for the season,” she announces while putting the glass in front of the young man, “I hope you’ll like it.”

The aide nods his thank and takes a sip, clearly wary of her brewing ability. But Jyn keeps her open smile on and begins to prattle out the first snow festivities and how she expects to make lots of sell during the season.

“You’re really not from here,” notes Gleen, another Imperial who works in the administrative district.

Jyn tenses for a bit and let her confused frown show on her face. Neither she nor Cassian had made any secret of not being from Delphon. Their documentation mention they were from minors’ families of Council and after a few stops around the Javin sector, they settled there, on Delphon where the climate is far more pleasant.

“What do you mean? Did I misunderstand anything about the festival?”

Playing clueless, Jyn makes her customers talk without prying and she easily gather information on both the cultural tradition of the city that is indeed way smaller than she’s expected, and what the Empire let the people do or not. And of course, how it is perceived by the locals. Even if Delphon is usually quite happy with the Imperial occupation, it’s when their traditions are limited that people start questioning the truth behind the well-meaning of such an occupation. And even if the first snow festivities have never truly been a huge feast, locals don’t like being deprived of their customs. 

Jyn takes the side of the Delphonians and grumbles about the curfew and how lighting some candles can’t be a security hazard, making the Imperials close to her very uncomfortable. Cassian cuts in when she pushes a little too far, to avoid raising too many objections and as always, he does it smoothly, making a light joke here, a moan on the cold there and the tension breaks slowly while Jyn pouts at him for ruining her fun.

“It’s not even cold in here, you know,” she insists, “and I’m sure you too can enjoy a bit of snow!”

“I’m pretty confident that Commandant Karwish knows what he’s doing, love, and I won’t blame him for preferring people stay inside when it snows.”

Jyn huffs again, but there’s a smile teasing her lips as she makes her way behind the counter. If Cassian calls her love in public, it means he’s in a good mood. Maybe he learned some interesting stuff while she played the clueless newcomer. She doesn’t have time to investigate on him and barely has time to interrogate more her customers because Kay suddenly comes in the cantina and informs her Nesrah is awake and ready to move.

As always, she hears comments on how a security droid isn’t fit to look after a child and Gleen mocks their strange refusal to use a nanny droid but the commandant’s aide reminds him of the kidnapping happening on some worlds of the Javin and Tungra sectors and the administrator shuts up. 

Jyn doesn’t wait to listen but she wonders if those stories are the ones that makes Cassian so worried. Given the numbers of orphans in the galaxy, it’s pretty strange that kids with families became targets without something deeper behind it. As much as she despites to think about it, she knows about the child slavery running way outside the Hutt territories, but kidnapping in peaceful words and wealthy enough neighbourhood to be noticed by the governor’s entourage, that’s something worth digging.

Taking Nesrah out of her crib, Jyn feels a wash of terror at the idea of losing her daughter to the unknown. Of course, since she discovered her pregnancy, she fears for her baby, but mostly, she feared she couldn’t make it, that she died before knowing her child, leaving the poor little girl growing without a mother, just like her. Now, with their mostly secure life on Delphon, Jyn realizes other problems could arise and it frightens her to the core.

“You shouldn’t squeeze your child so much, Jyn, it’s not healthy.”

Kay’s voice brings her back in the moment and calms her fears, but she doesn’t want him to know, so instead of thanking him, she replies, “It’s called a cuddle, you tool, and it’s a perfectly fine way to show affection.”

Jyn looks up and, still hugging Nesrah who beams at her, she asks, “Do you think it would be better if I go alone to Tokmia?” The idea of leaving without her daughter doesn’t really appeal her but if it can help Cassian relax, she’ll do it.

“I don’t think Cassian would like you to go alone and I can’t go with you because it would mean Cassian has to both manage Nesrah and the cantina for two days. He would do a poor job on both front and it wouldn’t be safe for a child to be left without surveillance or care for as long as her father as to work. If Nesrah stays here, I must stay too.”

Jyn smiles because Kay doesn’t like to let Nesrah unsupervised and both Jyn and Cassian always pretend they don’t know about the droid’s issue. His attachment to their child is too precious to be mocked, but at the same time, it’s difficult to keep a straight face when Kay tries to justify his need to be with Nesrah by sprouting nonsense on child safety.

“I know you would stay with Nesrah, that’s why I’m wondering if it’s not better for her to stay here, with her father. He seems a bit down and I don’t want him alone.”

Turning her face to her daughter she asks her but of course, the child only babbles in answer, eager to repeat what little words she understood for the question.

Jyn sighs and goes back to work with now a toddler in tow.

\---

For once, Jyn decides she’ll handle the closing time while Cassian takes care of Nesrah’s bath and dinner. That way, he gets to spend more time with their daughter before they leave, and she makes sure he doesn’t stay up talking with his regulars. Even if Delphon has a curfew at nightfall, the Imperial of both the military and administrative districts don’t really bother with it and of course, Cassian uses it at his advantage. 

But tonight, Jyn wants to respect the rules or at least, pretends to and she made a show of putting her customers outside at dusk to give them time to go home. She doesn’t want trouble for anyone after all, and even if she encountered a few grumbles here and there, overall, people seemed to get it. She then takes her time to clean up, getting the place in order for Cassian tomorrow when he has to fill her shift and finally, goes downstairs to have the conversation she dreads. 

When she reaches the corridor, she hears the soft undertone of Cassian’s lullaby and a smile finds its way on her face as the knot in her stomach loosen. Maybe he’s feeling better than she thought. Maybe he was just tired and bored and nothing really wrong is brewing around them. She tiptoes to Nesrah’s room and feels a surge of pride and contentment to see both her lover and her child wrapped in an embrace by the crib. She made this. She made that child and she made it possible for that man to finally open up and express all the love he had to give.

As if sensing her, he looks up, never missing a word of his song and tips his chin to invite her in the room. Nesrah is half-asleep in his arms but she still smiles happily and calls out for her mother when she approaches.

Jyn ruffles the brown curls on her daughter’s head and bends to kiss her forehead before Cassian put her down on her bed. 

“Good Night, Nettle,” he mumbles as Jyn wraps her hand around his. She gives him time before dragging him away and he doesn’t make her wait long. As soon as Nesrah looks comfortable, he mentions the hallway with a look over her shoulder and let Jyn guides him to their room.

Without trying to be subtle, she asks directly, “Will you be okay by yourself or do you want us to stay?”

Cassian tilts his head, surprised, and goes to sit on the bed.

“Don’t you have people waiting for you on Tokmia?”

He busies himself with removing his boots to avoid looking at her and Jyn’s stomach falls.

“I can always send a message to delay my meeting. I worry about you.”

She sits next to him and before she can do anything, he tackles her to the bed, pretty much like she did the night before and kisses her soundly.

“I’m tired, Jyn, and I don’t like winter but it’s fine. And you need to go to Tokmia now.”

“Does it have anything to do with the kidnappings?” she asks in a whisper.

Cassian’s hand still on her neck and he sighs.

“Not at all. I don’t know much about it but I’m pretty sure Nesrah is not in danger on that front. Some higher ups are working on a new academy and I think they’re trying to enrol children. Children, Jyn, not toddlers and they’re mostly targeting poor families and refugees.”

Jyn doesn’t feel convinced and it must show because he lets his fingers run slowly down her back in a soothing gesture.

“I swear, Jyn, we’re not directly concerned. I don’t say it’s not a problem because it is and our people are looking into it, but that’s not what I fear the most right now.”

He closes his eyes because he knows she won’t let the subject drop but clearly, he doesn’t want to tell her. So she stays silent, waiting for him and finally, he gathers her in his arms and mumbles on to her hair, “There’s movement on the Moddel sector, huge shipment of Quaddanium and if you’re correct about the crystal, I think… I think they’re building another one.”

He doesn’t precise what because she already know. The world seems to stop. Jyn’s heart seems to stop. Her breath is stuck in her throat and she can’t feel anything. Distantly, somewhere, she knows Cassian is still there, his hands on her back, his warm breath in her hair. But she doesn’t really feel it. She sees herself, lying down on the red blanket of her bed with Cassian’s arms wrapped around her but she doesn’t react. It’s too much. Cassian knew she would react that way and that was why he kept it from her.

The room is very still, like it waits for her to come back to herself and she knows she has to breath, she has to move, to say something but she’s frozen. It can’t happen. Not now, not ever. It took fifteen years to build the first one, so there must be some time left. It can’t be so soon.

Finally, after an eternity choking inside her mind, Jyn manages to whisper, “How?”

Cassian’s nose burrows in her hair as he inhales sharply. He’s shaken too and she suspects it’s the first time he voices his fears.

“I’m not sure. Maybe I’m wrong, but Kay runs his analyzes and he found the same results as me. They’re building something huge and if what you told me about the crystals is true… well, there’s not many other possibilities, right?”

Numbly, Jyn tries to pull away and looks at him directly but Cassian doesn’t budge. He seems to need her to hold himself together and Jyn can’t blame him. She raises a hand to his waist and indulges a few seconds of comfort nestled against him before he says, “I need you to go to Tokmia now and see what you learn. I don’t like it, because I can’t go with you, because I have to stay here and maintain our cover, but I trust you. We need to find out quickly what they’re doing and then, we’ll see. If I’m wrong, and it’s just a new refinery station, we’ll keep a low profile and continue to gather intel for Winter. And if I’m right…”

“If you’re right,” she cuts with a new determination, “we’ll go to Yavin, entrust Nettle to Kes and his family and we’ll destroy it.”

For the time in days, his smile reaches his eyes and she grins too.


	3. Chapter 3

They left just before her name’s day. She doesn’t understand what happened but she managed to have her second stars on the ship and it was really fun. The new place they arrived is not that much different than before, but it’s warmer and it doesn’t smell of bread all the time. And there are more people living in the big house with her, even if Papa and Mama didn’t stay for long.

Also what’s great is she’s not the only child anymore. Poe is a bit taller than her but way younger and he doesn’t know really how to walk by himself but she likes him nonetheless. And he made progress thanks to her because she taught him how to push on his chubby little legs and even how to lean on the wall to go up the stairs. Going down is more tricky and Kay always makes that weird little tutting noise when she tries by herself so she knows she can’t show Poe just yet but maybe they could try later.

Nettle also likes that Poe’s family is so big. He has a father, very big and strong, with short dark hair and he can lift both her and Poe at the same time and it’s one of the best thing in the world but he’s not often here. More than his mother but still not much. Most of the time, it’s the aunts and uncles who are with them. They’re nice people with easy smiles and one uncle, Aik, looks a bit like Papa with the same moustache that tickles her cheek and a skin covered of freckles. And he’s all thin and tall like Papa and he spends a lot of time working with droids so she likes him the most. He even lets her tinkers with parts in a small nook of his workshop.

And there’s Kay of course. He never leaves her. He says it’s because she needs a proper reminder of where she came from but she doesn’t know what he means and if she asks where Papa and Mama are, or why she can’t be with them Kay always sighs and looks sad so she stops asking. Papa and Mama had explained they must do something dangerous but she doesn’t understand what and when Kay talked to her about the war, about how it’s important to prevent another massive destruction, she started crying so he stopped and she doesn’t want to ask anymore because if she started crying again she’ll look like a baby and she’s not. But war is scary and she’s not sure she wants Mama and Papa to do war.

They've been gone for a long time now and Mama only came once since she began living with Poe, just after his name’s day, and she stayed for the night so that was great. Papa comes more often but only few hours, just a quick meal and a hug but never with Mama. She wants to ask Papa about Mama but she never finds the time. He’s always asking her questions and he looks so proud when she shows him the progress she made with Poe’s instruction or how now she can count to seventeen and sort out her forms by colour and size and Kay gave her difficult problems like guessing what’s in the bag by touch only and she remembered all the items he puts in it for two whole weeks and could guess right each time he asked and even when he was particularly naughty and removed one, she knew which one it was and Papa seemed both proud and a little afraid but she doesn’t know why. It’s good thing to remember well and to be attentive to the things around her. At least, Kay says so and Kay is always right, so that must be true.

The months pass and she’s not sure how long it’s been since she came here because Kay told her about the different calendar systems and she doesn’t really get it but at least, she knows her days, just sometimes she messes up their order. And then, one day, everybody around her begin to laugh out loud, even Aik comes running to Kay and her and she doesn’t really gets what happened but it seems good so she laughs too. Kay disappears for a moment and she’s left with Aik and LI and old Nam and Poe who screams in joy and people she doesn’t know come to celebrate too so it must really be a great holiday but she doesn’t know which one it is.

Later, when the grown-ups are busy drinking and singing, Kay helps her go to bed and he tells her the war is over but he doesn’t answer when she asks for Papa and Mama and that’s weird because Kay always answers her question. But he stays with her until she falls asleep.

* * *

Poe’s papa is the first to come back and Nettle is happy to see him, of course, because he’s really fun, but at the same time, she feels angry because Poe has most of his family with him, and now he even has his father and she only has Kay. Which is great but not the same because she can’t really cuddle with Kay.

When Shara comes back, it’s a huge feast and Nettle is wrapped in so much love and happiness, she forgets to ask why her parents aren’t there. Poe’s mama is very nice and she always braids her hair and keeps her nearby, just like she does with Poe and Nettle doesn’t realize how Kay is more and more distant. She’s happy to have all this attention on her and she forgets that Kay isn’t supposed to spend his day calculating odds to explain why Papa and Mama haven’t come back yet and she doesn’t really mind his absence. Later, she will barely remember those days without him because she feels so loved by both Kes and Shara and she so happy to have a family around her, with her, she won’t accept Kay isn’t really part of it. And it won’t matter anyway.

Without Kay to make her study, to help her keep track of time, she forgets. Not about Papa and Mama but she doesn’t know what day it is, how long has passed since she last saw them and she’s too busy playing with Poe to care. Each night, when she goes to bed, Shara sings her a lullaby in a language she heard before but doesn’t really understand, and she stays late in her bed, both arms around her just like Papa used to do and she wishes he were here but then Kes tickles her until she nearly cries of laughter and she forgets to be sad.

It’s only when the weather turns colder Nettle begins to realize something is wrong. Mama had told her about the winter feast back home and she was so happy to show her the lights. Papa didn’t like the cold but he never said why and when Nettle goes to ask Kay, Aik seems embarrassed. No one told her anything about her parents and no one told her about Kay. It will take her years to realize Kay left her that first time without a word and that it broke something in him that shouldn’t even have existed even if she had no idea it happened.

* * *

Cassian never really minds being in pain. The pain always reminds him he’s alive and it’s a good thing. But now, nothing hurts anywhere. He’s floating somewhere, not really comfortable but not in pain either. It’s a strange sensation, like he’s missing something and he’s afraid to think of what. He’s blocked part of his mind for so long he’s not sure he can open it back without losing himself.

He remembers the fights on Endor and over Fondor and Jakku, he remembers the Empire’s ships all around, the Alliance X-Wings overwhelmed but still more mobil and lethal than tens of Ties, Ackbar’s fleet able to rival Star Destroyers, but the days blurred as the battles seemed endless, his old A-wings burned down after a stupid mistake. 

He’s not sure he wants to wake up to a world of more fights. He’s tired and he should be able to rest now. His body… he’s not sure what his body is telling him because he doesn’t feel it but he’s pretty sure his body needs rest. He didn’t really have a reason to wake up anymore since Jyn… No, he can think about her now. Too painful, even in the void of his blurred mind.

He’s never opened his eyes but he still feels like he’s closing them. His mind is shutting down slowly. Something cold and wet and light brushes past him. A memory of white desert, freezing air on his face but warmth everywhere else. A small gloved hand, laughter and green eyes under brown curls. He doesn’t know where he is but he doesn’t fear the unknown. Maybe he’ll find her somewhere. He feels like he can still wrap his hand around her fingers. That thought alone is weird. 

Slowly he burrows deeper in himself, soft and warm, just like when she was by his side, on her red comforter, so long ago. He’s never been soft but he may have found a piece of smoothness for… And he was only warm with… No, he shouldn’t think of them. They’re not with him now. 

But it’s been so long since he’s been this warm. Maybe later, when he’s less tired, he could have a beer. Or some bread. He likes bread, the tangy smell of yeast that clings to the skin and in her hair.

He drifts away, a feeling of something missing, like bubbles popping on his conscious but he doesn’t try to remember and avoids the light like it’d burn.

* * *

For so long Jyn has held a grudge toward her mother for leaving her that day. Why would she left a child alone for an already doomed husband? The feeling worsen when she became a mother herself because she couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea of ever abandoning Nettle, under any circumstance.

Yet.

She had to admit to herself that was exactly what she did when she left Nettle with Kes’ family on Yavin. 

Of course, contrary to her mother, Jyn didn’t left her daughter alone with a military freak on a never ending crusade, but since she was the one to go fight an enemy far more powerful than her, it was barely better. Yes, Nettle is loved and cherished and safe, but for how long? Even if she knows Kay will protect her, it isn’t enough. 

Jyn should have come back earlier. Just because she doesn’t know where Cassian is shouldn’t be enough to stay away from her daughter. So, Jyn gives herself a week after the ceasefire to try to find him, she contacts Kay for help then finds a shuttle to Yavin with a heavy heart.

Her transport isn’t a direct one, of course, and Jyn spends seventeen long hours in a spaceport on Chandrila where she finds herself nose to exhaust port with Kay, the droid not really happy by the whole situation, but still bringing somewhat good news. He manages to run calculations and with the help of some good people in the remnant of the Alliance fleet, has reduced the possibility of Cassian whereabout to a handful of places in the Inner Rim. 

“I couldn’t sent you the coordinates since I didn’t know where you were but I knew you’d have to stop here so I left Yavin. I’m not pride of this decision and I’ll understand if you feel like I betrayed your trust by let Nesrah alone with the Damerons but I can assure you she’s well and very happy with them.”

Jyn is too stunned to enjoy the apology and way too torn herself to blame the droid for his choice. Between Cassian and her daughter, she had the hardest time to choose which one was more essential. So she nods and pats awkwardly Kay’s arm in what she hopes could be a comprehensive gesture.

“Don’t worry about now, just bring Cassian back to us. In whatever shape he is.”

She refuses to say it, she refuses to even think it, but Kay understands anyway.

“The probability of his death is low. Otherwise, you would have been notified.”

That is supposed to be a good news, of course, and Jyn manages a bitter smile. They all know that some things can be worse than death.

“I guess so,” Jyn mumbles ruefully then she taps his chassis again and goes to the boarding line to get her shuttle. She should be ecstatic to finally see her daughter again. She should at least be glad to have Kay on the lookout for Cassian but as she sits down on the far end of the low-cost cabin, all she feels is numb.


End file.
